THE SECRET TO BEING AWESOME

There I was, watching Roger Federer, one of the greatest tennis players of all time, win his record 14th grand slam a few nights ago, when it suddenly all hit me... like a crop of apples on Newton's scalp...
I had just stumbled upon:

THE SECRET TO BEING AWESOME!!!!

... So here we are, me sitting comfortably with my thermal underpants on, you, back keeled over the keyboard, nose pressed against the screen, eagerly devouring every word I type with breathless anticipation, stopping intermittently to wipe away your moist expiration on the fogged monitor, now starting to think 'wait, how can I be breathless with anxiety, yet at the same time expire enough to fog the screen?'

So before you ponder that paradox, I'm going to cut-to-the-chase.

THE

SECRET

TO

BEING

AWESOME

IS

!!!!!

(drumroll)

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(due to the prolonged wait, the drum-rolling collapses, leaving an awkward vacuum of silence)

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V

> TO HAVE 1 HUGE FOREARM <

*cue triumphant trumpet flare*

I know, mind-blowing isn't it?
Here, I'll place 6 fullstops here so you can recover from that shock......

I mean just take a look below at the humongous, hypertrophied muscles of Federer's right forearm, especially compared to his left!

I know it's distracting, but stop staring at his bosom and concentrate on the arms.

Looks like an oak log next to a twig doesn't it?

I bet that his forearm makes up 20% of his total body-weight and causes him to walk in clockwise directions due to its density. It's as if he had an IV drip of steroids pumped straight into that region, and Godzilla had stomped on his arm, and he somehow miraculously survived, allowing permanent swelling to occur, or maybe, you know just maybe, he had jerked himself off for 100 consecutive days straight.

Without a doubt, Rod Laver (the only player to have twice won all four Grand Slam titles in the same year = automatic qualification into the Hall of Awesome) also possesses this very asymmetrical secret of success.

Without a doubt, this massive singular forearm feature is a characteristic found in all historically awesome people. Below is just a snippet of evidence to back up my claim.

For example, here in Exhibit A, we have Popeye the Sailor, whose heroic exploits and unwavering morals made him the precursor of all legendary superheros like Superman.

Exhibit A: Pop-eye. The face puncher

Another role model with similar proportions is Hellboy.

Exhibit B: A hero whose sledgehammer-like arm has saved the world countless times over.

Which brings me to the next example, Mega Man - ceaselessly fighting in the hopes of achieving ever-lasting peace. He's saved this world many times over from horrors you wish only existed in an electronic game.

Exhibit C: He's so awesome...can you shoot plasma projectiles from your arm?

And I saved the best for last... the definitive example of awesomeness

the Fiddler crab!!!

Exhibit D: Size matters. Especially if you're only 2 inches long

Just look at that MEAN-ASS CLAW. That MAMMOTH, METAL-BENDING CLAW probably sank the Titanic. You try and stop it? Well that EPICALLY, EARTH-SHATTERING, COLOSSAL CLAW would just clamp the Moon and CRUSH it down on your PUNY skull. Not only that, Fiddler crabs play a vital role in the preservation of wetland environments, saving the world one sifted piece of aerated sand at a time. What are YOU doing to save the world? They're also pretty tasty, which is a plus.

So there it is, the secret to being awesome.

Use it well young cricket. Because maybe one day, people will say your name in the same hushed reverent tones they now praise Federer, Laver, Popeye, Hellboy, Megaman and the Fiddler crab in.

So start training that one forearm.
I know I am right now.


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This is a throwback post written in 2009.

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