Scene: Ian, Ivy, and Adrian are dressed in business wear, and sitting in an office.
<Lights up>
Ian: Hi Adrian, Thank you for coming in to the Jobseeker's centre. My name's Ian, and my colleague here is Ivy, and we're here to help you through the process of finding employment.
Adrian: Thanks for seeing me. Sorry for running late, my Hummer barely fit in the disabled parking spot.
Ian: Haha. Seems like we've got a joker in our midst here. Anyways, let's get this process started. First off, I just wanted to point out something odd we noticed on your practice resume. You didn't list any job referees?
Adrian: Yeah, it's because I was fired from my past job at the abattoir.
Ian: Oh?
Adrian: Apparently I took too much pleasure in killing small defenceless animals. So I got a new job in an abortion clinic.
Ivy: Okay...? Um... but you don't have a referee from that job either?
Adrian: Well I also got fired again. See at the work Christmas party my boss passed out. So I drew a dick on his face for laughs.
Ian: Oh wow, yeah that's a bit far.
Adrian: Well, I'm bad at drawing, so I traced a penis on his face, and then put it on facebook.
Ivy: Wait? You traced a what?
Adrian: I traced my penis on his -
Ivy: What? how? No don't answer that, uh- <looks at Ian in panic>
Ian: -Ok. <hurriedly changes topic, shuffling through paper sheets> So what attribute you have that you would consider is a weakness?
Adrian: Honesty
Ian: Well, I don't think honesty is an actual weakness.
Adrian: Well, I don’t give a fuck about what you think
Ivy: Okay, point proven. um.. what would you say is one of your biggest strengths?
Adrian: My amazing memory
Ian: Could you provide us with some examples?
Adrian: Of what?
Ivy: *Ahem*... and what's your dream job?
Adrian: I want to be a psychiatrist
Ian: That's quite a noble profession. You seem like you'd know a thing or too about mental health issues.
Adrian: Yeah I want to provide psychiatric support to a ton of patients with abandonment issues and then just quit without warning.
Ivy: Ok... so moving on. It says here you're willing to work night shifts?
Adrian: I need the money. I have child support payments to make. Divorce and all that.
Ian: Oh! I'm so sorry to hear that
Adrian: Yeah, I think the last straw was when I put fake blood on my pregnant wife's inner thighs when she was asleep on April Fools
Ian: <whistles>
Adrian: It's okay, my wife screamed at me, "I never want to see you again!" so I upheld her wishes, by replacing her eye drops with battery acid.
Ian: And...um wow, ok-
Ivy: And you said you have a child? Poor kid.
Adrian: Yeah I had Nigel over at mine, last weekend. My 3 year old son was glued to the TV for the entire day. It was hilarious, I also glued the puppy to the window.
Ian: What?! That's horrible!
Ivy: Quickly moving on to another less traumatic topic, What hobbies do you have?
Adrian: Well in my spare time I like to lock Muslims in my shed with a bacon sandwich and see how long it takes for the hunger to override their allegiance to Allah.
Ivy: Is that even legal?
Ian: Ok. I think this will be the very last question. Some customer service jobs involve dealing with money and lots of complaints, do you have any such relevant experience?
Adrian: Well I once gave a prostitute a cheque that bounced. The lawyers are still working out whether I committed rape or theft.
Ian: Wow, I don't think we've sent a candidate with such disgusting, abhorrent qualities in years!
Ivy: You sir, hands down, the biggest asshole we've seen in years!
Ian: We've found the perfect job for you. Congratulations, you'd make an excellent parking ticket inspector! <Adrian offers to shakes hands, but as Ian reaches, Adrian moves his hand away to stroke his hair, like a typical douchebag>
<Lights down>
<Lights up>
Ian: Hi Adrian, Thank you for coming in to the Jobseeker's centre. My name's Ian, and my colleague here is Ivy, and we're here to help you through the process of finding employment.
Adrian: Thanks for seeing me. Sorry for running late, my Hummer barely fit in the disabled parking spot.
Ian: Haha. Seems like we've got a joker in our midst here. Anyways, let's get this process started. First off, I just wanted to point out something odd we noticed on your practice resume. You didn't list any job referees?
Adrian: Yeah, it's because I was fired from my past job at the abattoir.
Ian: Oh?
Adrian: Apparently I took too much pleasure in killing small defenceless animals. So I got a new job in an abortion clinic.
Ivy: Okay...? Um... but you don't have a referee from that job either?
Adrian: Well I also got fired again. See at the work Christmas party my boss passed out. So I drew a dick on his face for laughs.
Ian: Oh wow, yeah that's a bit far.
Adrian: Well, I'm bad at drawing, so I traced a penis on his face, and then put it on facebook.
Ivy: Wait? You traced a what?
Adrian: I traced my penis on his -
Ivy: What? how? No don't answer that, uh- <looks at Ian in panic>
Ian: -Ok. <hurriedly changes topic, shuffling through paper sheets> So what attribute you have that you would consider is a weakness?
Adrian: Honesty
Ian: Well, I don't think honesty is an actual weakness.
Adrian: Well, I don’t give a fuck about what you think
Ivy: Okay, point proven. um.. what would you say is one of your biggest strengths?
Adrian: My amazing memory
Ian: Could you provide us with some examples?
Adrian: Of what?
Ivy: *Ahem*... and what's your dream job?
Adrian: I want to be a psychiatrist
Ian: That's quite a noble profession. You seem like you'd know a thing or too about mental health issues.
Adrian: Yeah I want to provide psychiatric support to a ton of patients with abandonment issues and then just quit without warning.
Ivy: Ok... so moving on. It says here you're willing to work night shifts?
Adrian: I need the money. I have child support payments to make. Divorce and all that.
Ian: Oh! I'm so sorry to hear that
Adrian: Yeah, I think the last straw was when I put fake blood on my pregnant wife's inner thighs when she was asleep on April Fools
Ian: <whistles>
Adrian: It's okay, my wife screamed at me, "I never want to see you again!" so I upheld her wishes, by replacing her eye drops with battery acid.
Ian: And...um wow, ok-
Ivy: And you said you have a child? Poor kid.
Adrian: Yeah I had Nigel over at mine, last weekend. My 3 year old son was glued to the TV for the entire day. It was hilarious, I also glued the puppy to the window.
Ian: What?! That's horrible!
Ivy: Quickly moving on to another less traumatic topic, What hobbies do you have?
Adrian: Well in my spare time I like to lock Muslims in my shed with a bacon sandwich and see how long it takes for the hunger to override their allegiance to Allah.
Ivy: Is that even legal?
Ian: Ok. I think this will be the very last question. Some customer service jobs involve dealing with money and lots of complaints, do you have any such relevant experience?
Adrian: Well I once gave a prostitute a cheque that bounced. The lawyers are still working out whether I committed rape or theft.
Ian: Wow, I don't think we've sent a candidate with such disgusting, abhorrent qualities in years!
Ivy: You sir, hands down, the biggest asshole we've seen in years!
Ian: We've found the perfect job for you. Congratulations, you'd make an excellent parking ticket inspector! <Adrian offers to shakes hands, but as Ian reaches, Adrian moves his hand away to stroke his hair, like a typical douchebag>
<Lights down>
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