Inhospitable Hospital Tunes

Like most of the population, I chronically suffer from a condition known as Tuneitus. Also known as the ‘Annoying-Song-Stuck-In-Your-Head' phenomenon, it is a guilty pleasure I secretly indulge in, and perhaps best epitomised by the ‘sha na na’ of Kylie Minogue’s appropriately-named ‘Can’t Get You Out of My Head’ soundtrack. Most of the time it becomes a repetitive, musical irritation that you have no control over, and a large amount of oral restraint is required to stop revealing to the world that tunes like the Wiggles’ ‘Hot Potato’ are on your cranial playlist (that song is more catchy than herpes). Self-control is especially essential if you’re a guy hanging out with his mates and you’ve got ‘Don’t Cha’ by the Pussycat Dolls on an involuntary mental loop. However, being the ever-observant medical student, I have also discovered it is more important that you do not fall into the trap thinking that your stethoscope earplugs feel like iPod headphones and inadvertently start to sing embarrassing songs out loud in the clinical setting.

This important lesson occurred to me one afternoon at hospital whilst waiting for my guide. There I was, a trendy med student, clicking one’s fingers and tapping one’s feet outside the room like I had just made love to a metronome. Getting into the groove, I nonchalantly started to hum ‘Let’s Get Retarded’ by the Black Eyed Peas, as nurses, doctors and patients walked by. After a minute or so of head-bopping and ignoring strange looks from passers-by, my guide comes back and tells me to  
“Keep it down - especially with that song, after all we are in the neurology ward”.

That’s when it hit me that I was singing out loud a highly insensitive tune, and mortified I hastily apologised profusely. The fact that my voice sounds worse than a corrupted Paris Hilton mp3 file (don't ask... the perils of downloaded music and curiosity...) didn’t help the humiliating revelation either.

Embarrassed by my vocal faux pas, I immediately tried to mentally erase the song. But no matter how hard I tried, the BEPs would not tune out. Not one to give up, I hit upon the golden idea that if I played another addictive song in my head, it would then supplant my current one. I then thought to myself, ‘What songs are there that won’t offend people with neurological or psychiatric conditions?’

Big mistake. Like the person on a very high structure who looks down once you tell them not to, I started to get an infestation of the very music I was trying to avoid. Cypress Hill’s ‘Insane In The Membrane’, Eminem’s ‘Just Lose It’ and Gnarls Barkley’s ‘Crazy’ made their presence felt. Even the annoying, squeaky High School Musical song ‘Get'Cha Head In The Game’ implanted itself into my mental Walkman as I hurried out of the Neurology ward.

However, after the first few minutes of mental turbulence, I actually began to find it offensively amusing. And as I passed other wards, I began to internally formulate a list so that in the future, I could hum or sing inappropriate, popular songs in front of patients I didn’t like. I subsequently spent that afternoon, fruitfully collating this brief list of clinically callous songs:

*Epilepsy
Beach Boys - Good Vibrations, Metro Station - Shake it, Missy Elliott - Lose Control
*Breast Cancer
Black Eyed Peas - My Humps
*Burns Unit
Bury Your Dead - Burn Baby Burn, Bloodhound Gang - Fire Water Burn
*Respiratory
Berlin - Take My Breath Away, Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown - No Air, Sting & The Police - Every Breath You Take
*Jaundice
Coldplay – Yellow
*Cardiology
Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart, Deee-Lite - Groove Is In The Heart, Faker – Heart Attack, Moby - Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad, Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out.
*Haemophilia
Linkin Park - Bleed It Out, Leona Lewis – Bleeding Love
*Amputees
Elton John - I'm Still Standing, Kenny Loggins - Footloose

"You stick your left hand in, you stick your left hand out, then you wave it all about, then you do the hokie-pokie, then you turn around, that's what a digital rectal examination is all about! You stick your right foot in..."

*STIs
Kings of Leon - Your Sex is on Fire, Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing

*Infectious Diseases
Ben Lee - Catch My Disease, Ella Fitzgerald – Fever
*Obstetrics
Salt N' Pepper - Push It
Elton John- Circle of Life (complete with the Simba forehead swipe)
*Osteoporosis
George Thorogood - Bad to the Bone
*Ophthalmology
Jimmy Cliff - I Can See Clearly Now, KT Tunstall - Suddenly I See

This list is by no means anywhere complete or perfect, but hopefully it’ll provide a good foundation of what tunes should not be sung in front of patients if you’re interested in passing your clinical exams or building good patient rapport. Furthermore, I do not condone the use of them towards annoying patients, especially if you have a voice as bad as mine (a pitch more wobblier than MJ's nose).

Now excuse me while I go and sing Mika’s ‘Big Girl You Are Beautiful' to some anorexics.
Followed by an encore of Fergie's 'Big Girls Don't Cry'.

"I find that singing Hinder's Lips of Angel really helps the patient relax during a pap smear."

[Published in the Australian Medical Student Association's Panacea, Issue 2, 2008.]

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